Pon Farr, Far Away
by softydog88
Summary: Sheldon is in Texas visiting his mother when he passes out. He's rushed to the hospital convinced that he is undergoing Pon Farr - the Vulcan mating ritual from Star Trek.
1. Chapter 1

_Pon Farr, Far Away_

_by softydog88_

Leonard was ecstatic. The air was fresh, the traffic bearable, the Thai food better than ever. He even had a spring in his step and a goofy smile on his face, things he had not consciously noticed since his fifth grade frequency counter won the Roosevelt Elementary School science fair and he got to stand next to Judy "anteater" Marx to accept his trophy. Penny noticed it the instant she opened the door to his apartment and was greeted with a living room full of roses and a fiancée clad only in his boxers.

"Wow," she said as she wrapped her arms around him, "what's the occasion?"

He smiled and kissed her. "I'll tell you in a minute. Right now…listen."

They stood there, frozen in an embrace like lovers at Pompeii. Two minutes passed before Penny spoke up.

"What am I listening for? I don't hear a thing."

"Silence. That's all. No complaints, no unconscionable hubris, no selfish demands. Just silence."

"It's eerie, but nice. Where's Sheldon?"

"Texas!" Leonard said, bouncing up and down. "He's going to be gone for a whole week. A slow week. A relaxing week. A stress-free, carpool-free, Sheldon-free week!"

"Gee, what _shall_ we do?" Penny asked. She used her hand to point Leonard's head in the direction of his bedroom.

"I've already done the first part. I called work and told them I have to take a week off to help my mother move to a new apartment in New York."

"Clever boy. I knew that PhD was good for something."

Leonard smirked at her and plodded on. "Now, we're going to have a romantic dinner and you get the place of honor in Sheldon's spot."

"Really? You _do_ know how to make a girl feel special! And please put some pants on before we eat."

"And after dinner," he continued, "a movie. I got an advance copy of _The Hobbit – The Battle of the Five Armies_ on Blu-Ray."

"Not a chance!" Penny exclaimed, a little louder than she intended.

"I'm glad to hear you say that, because, as it turns out, I don't have that kind of juice after all. So I thought we'd just spend the time in bed."

Penny made a gesture of thinking about it. "OK, you talked me into it. But remind me to call Bernadette and tell her that _I_ won't be in this week either."

"What will you tell her?"

"Appendectomy?"

Leonard shrugged. "Why not? If having a third appendix removed last summer didn't faze her, then a fourth shouldn't either."

"Smart ass," Penny muttered under her breath. "I think you…"

She couldn't go on. In that moment, her lips were too busy to form words.

* * *

"Ugh," said Mary Cooper, fanning herself with Sheldon's copy of _Chaos: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Nonlinear Science._ "It's 104 degrees out there. We Texans must be doing something powerful wrong to make Jesus give us this little reminder of eternal damnation in February. He usually waits until July to go full perdition on us."

Sheldon sighed. "Mother, weather patterns are easily predictable. So easy, in fact, that even the vapid suits on the Eyewitness News can do it."

"You didn't think so when you were a boy, Shelly. I sent you to that weather class for summer school when you were five years old and you came home crying."

"It was called _Fun with Meteorology_," Sheldon explained, "and I was upset because we weren't going to learn about meteors. I was just a kid; what did I know?" He wiped a few beads of sweat off his forehead.

"Well, I'll be darned. I think this is the first time you've ever admitted to not knowing something."

"There are plenty of things I don't know. For instance, I don't know how anyone can believe in creation instead of evolution. Yet you continue to live here in Denial, Texas."

"Now, Shelly, I'm glad you're here to spend a week with your good old mom, but I won't go in for that kind of talk. Next thing you know, you'll be telling me that global warming is real, and that hen just won't lay eggs."

"It _is_ real!" Sheldon shouted. "You're living it right now. You said it yourself – 104 degrees in February!" Then his eyes rolled to the back of his head, he spun around in a semi-circle and dropped to the ground, out cold.

* * *

"Have a seat on the floor," Penny said after dinner. She moved the table to one side, then opened her backpack and rummaged around in it, extracting a salt shaker, a bag of limes, a knife and a handful of candles. She lit the candles and strategically placed them around the room, then turned out the lamps. Leonard's face was glowing in the soft light, and Penny smiled and sat down next to him. She reached into her backpack again and this time, she placed a bottle on the floor. Leonard picked it up.

"Tequila?" he said. "Are you sure?"

"Sure I'm sure. _El Tesoro Tequila A__ñ__ejo_. This is good stuff."

Leonard wasn't convinced, but he didn't want to argue. "I'll take your word for it," he muttered.

"Here," Penny said as she cut into a lime, "give me your hand."

Leonard reached out his right hand, and Penny dripped lime juice onto it, then poured on a little salt. She opened the bottle, licked the mixture off Leonard's hand, then chased it with a swig of tequila.

"Damn!" she said, "I always forget what a burn this shit has."

"You do this a lot?"

"No, of course not," she said with a wink. "Your turn."

Leonard did the same thing, licking the tart, salty mixture off Penny's hand and slamming the tequila down his throat. The burn felt good, for a moment.

"Wow!" he said, though his voice had nearly disappeared. He coughed, and pounded his fist on his chest a couple of times.

"Didn't I tell you? You may never drink Midori again."

They went on this way for a bit, swigging over and over.

"Hey, the bottle's already half empty," Leonard observed after a while.

"Pessimist," Penny said. "I think it's half full." She rested her head on Leonard's lap, and he stroked her hair a few times.

"You know, you're not the first person named Penny that I've dated," Leonard said.

She lifted her heard in surprise. "I'm not?"

"Nope. I was seventeen, and had just been accepted to Princeton. I celebrated by asking out a girl I had a crush on since sophomore year. Penny Pasta. She was a cheap date. Good thing, too, because I was _really _broke in those days."

Penny started laughing. Leonard joined in, and tried to squeeze more lime juice on Penny's hand at the same time, but he was clearly tipsy, so his aim was off and it ran down his arm.

"Here, let me help you," Penny said. She lifted Leonard's arm and ran her tongue down it, lapping up the lime juice and causing him to laugh even harder.

"My turn, my turn," he finally managed to say. He laid Penny flat on her back and unbuttoned her blouse, then made a little puddle of lime juice between her breasts. Penny cooed as he added the salt and then attacked it with his tongue. He sat up, leaned back and poured another shot down his throat. The bottle fell to the floor with a thud and with it, Leonard's head. Penny picked up the bottle, looked at Leonard, now softly snoring, and sighed. Then she passed out beside him.

* * *

"Pon Farr! I'm burning up!"

Sheldon was thrashing about in the stretcher as the paramedics hurried him into the emergency room. A voice shouted "temperature 105, BP 162 over 110." A doctor came running into the room as Sheldon was transferred into a bed. Mary placed her hand on Sheldon's forehead and instantly drew it back in alarm. Her face, never colorful to begin with, had grown even whiter with fear. A doctor grabbed her arm and pulled her aside.

"Mrs. Cooper, you've got to wait outside. We're going to bring his temperature down and do some blood work to check for signs of infection. We've also started an IV to give him plenty of fluids."

"He was unconscious during the ambulance ride. He woke up; that's a good sign, isn't it?" Mary's voice was trembling.

"Yes, it's a good sign. And please, don't worry. We'll get to the bottom of this."

Mary took a seat in the waiting room while the doctor went to see Sheldon.

"Hi, Sheldon. It's good to see you again."

"Hello, Dr. McCoy," he replied. "What's the status on Captain Kirk?"

"Sheldon, this isn't the Enterprise and I'm not Dr. McCoy. I'm Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Remember me? I used to date Leonard when I lived in L.A. I'm back here at Lawrence Memorial."

"Your voice sounds funny, Bones. There must be a helium leak on the bridge. Where's my tricorder?"

Stephanie patted him on the arm. "You just rest, Sheldon. I'll be back to discuss the blood test results with you and your mother when I get them."

* * *

"Hello, Dr. Cooper."

Sheldon sat up and looked around the room. His IV was hooked up, he had an oxygen saturation monitor on his finger and the only light came from just outside the door.

"Who's there?" he asked.

"It's me. Don't you recognize my voice?"

"Mr. Spock!" Sheldon was overjoyed and he tried to get out of bed.

"No, Sheldon, not Mr. Spock. It's Leonard Nimoy. And you need to stay in bed."

Sheldon swung his legs back into bed and sighed. "But you _are_ Spock. I read your autobiography _I Am Spock. _It superseded your earlier autobiography, _I Am Not Spock. _Of course, I read that, too."

"Sheldon, Spock isn't real. I am."

"I don't understand," he replied with a look of such sadness that Nimoy immediately pitied him.

"Then let me help you understand. Why are you here?"

"Pon Farr," Sheldon said. "My blood was boiling. I have to engage in the ritual of kal-if-fee. Fight to the death, or die."

"Sheldon, what's the overriding characteristic of Vulcans?"

"Logic, of course."

"Exactly. Now, be logical and ask yourself: are you Vulcan?"

"No. I'm human."

"And do humans undergo Pon Farr?"

"No," Sheldon said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Nimoy looked at the ground for a few seconds, then straight at Sheldon.

"I have to go," he said. "But search your feelings. The answer to why you're here is in there. I promise."

"Thanks for visiting me, Mr. Nimoy. Will I see you at Comic-Con?"

"No. We'll meet again, though. But not for a long time. Goodbye, Sheldon."

_To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

_Pon Farr, Far Away_

_Chapter Two_

"Sheldon? Wake up!"

He opened his eyes halfway, a precaution he had learned two years prior when Leonard and Penny, their sense of direction blinded by lust and groping, wandered into his room by mistake and proceeded to disrobe at the foot of his bed. Satisfied that all was well, he opened his eyes fully to see his mother and Stephanie standing over him.

"Praise Jesus!" Mary said. "And the fine citizens of the Greater Galveston Non-Denominational Prayer Group for Christ, Inc."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. "You're a corporation?" he asked bemusedly.

"We are. We have a website, _www dot GGNDPGFCI dot org, _a vlog, _How the Bible is Right About Everything, _and a streaming inspirational service, _Pontifical Parables from the Presbyterian Polity._ We even have a chairman of the board, Minister Timothy Jones. Or we will again, when his conviction for tax evasion is overturned on appeal." Stephanie sensed she should speak, since sudden sparks seemed certain.

"You look refreshed this morning, Sheldon. The nine hours of sleep clearly did you some good. And I have some great news. Your white blood cell count is normal, so there's no infection. All your vital signs are normal too, so I think you just had the flu. I'm having your discharge papers processed right away."

"The flu? It wasn't heat stroke?"

"Heat stroke? In February?"

"But it was 104 degrees yesterday, Dr. Stephanie."

Mary look at Stephanie and then held Sheldon's hand. "Shelly, it wasn't anywhere near that hot yesterday."

"Where's my phone?" Sheldon demanded. Mary handed it to him. He punched a few buttons and sighed. "According to weather dot com, it was 50 degrees yesterday," he said. That doesn't make sense. I was burning up. We talked about how hot it was. I passed out and woke up here. I remember thinking I had was Pon Farr, but Leonard Nimoy made me realize it wasn't. I'm human, not Vulcan."

"Sheldon, you had a high fever," Mary explained. "You were delirious. You talked in your sleep all night. You just imagined those things."

"I _didn't_ imagine them! I distinctly remember asking Leonard Nimoy if I would see him at Comic-Con."

"Sheldon," Stephanie said, "you must have heard his voice on the TV news last night. I'm sorry to tell you this, but Leonard Nimoy died yesterday."

"He _died_?"

Sheldon turned his face to the wall. Mary pulled Stephanie aside.

"Doctor, does Shelly need to stay here for observation? If he's having hallucinations, that worries me."

"No, he's fine. Like you said, he had a high fever. And he slept for a long time. He just had a dream."

"I guess so. But if I take him home and he does this again, I'm bringing him right back."

"OK, Mrs. Cooper. It was nice meeting you. Take care."

Sheldon heard their conversation. He knew the TV was broken in his room, having tried it when he woke up at 2 AM, so that didn't explain anything. And Nimoy had said they'd see each other again, in a long time. That idea was unsettling to him. He didn't believe in any kind of afterlife – at least not without some sort of scientific basis for that belief. Could Nimoy have visited him on his way to..._somewhere_? And if it was only 50 degrees in Galveston the day before, what other explanation could there be?

"It _is_ Pon Farr," he whispered.

* * *

"Hello, Dr. Hofstadter."

"Penny?"

Leonard sat up and looked around. Penny was still asleep on the floor There was a soft light from overhead and he heard a voice.

"Do I sound like Penny to you?"

Leonard found his glasses and put them on. He could see a tall, thin, familiar silhouette in the light.

"Leonard Nimoy?"

"Correct. I want to talk to you about Sheldon."

"Here? Now?"

"It has to be this way, Leonard. I can't explain why, but you'll know soon enough."

"OK." Leonard felt silly, but who was he to argue with Leonard Nimoy? The fact that Nimoy was in his living room in the wee hours of the morning did not seem strange to him, though.

"Sheldon is going through some growing pains. He's starting to ask himself questions about life, and it's confusing him. He's going to make a fateful decision soon. You have to help him realize it's a mistake, Leonard. He needs you."

"What is this fateful decision?"

"I can't tell you. But you'll figure it out. It'll be light soon. Go back to sleep. Hold Penny close to your heart and you'll get your answer. You'll know what to do. I'm just hear to make you search."

"Will I see you at Comic-Con?"

Nimoy sighed. "No, Leonard, you won't. I have to go. Live long and prosper." His voice grew fainter and his silhouette waned. "And help Sheldon do the same."

Leonard thought he heard a voice say "beam me up, Doohan," as the image faded out, but he couldn't be sure.

* * *

Sheldon was perspiring again and his breathing was shallow. "But mother, I have to go home!" he declared.

"Shelly, you can't leave now! You've been sick. Stay a couple more days and let me take care of you."

"I can't stay. I have something to do. Something you wouldn't understand."

"Tell, me, Sheldon. You might be surprised."

He stood up defiantly. "Its Pon Farr, mother. Blood fever. And that means I have to take care of business back home. I can't go into the details."

"Dr. Barnett didn't say anything about 'blood fever.'"

"She wouldn't know. She doesn't watch Star Trek."

"Star Trek? Oh, Shelly, you have to stay here and rest. That flu still has your brain in its grip."

"I can't stay, mother, I just can't. But I'll come back for a visit after Thanksgiving. Goodbye." He kissed her on the cheek and marched out the door. Mary waited for a moment with her hands on her hips. Just as she expected, Sheldon opened the door and peeked his head inside.

"I need a ride to the airport," he said sheepishly. Mary shook her head and grabbed her purse.

* * *

"Aaah!" Penny shouted as she bolted awake, "what the hell?"

Leonard tried to sit up, but his head was throbbing. "What's that noise?" he said at the top of his lungs.

"It's your phone! Why is it so loud?"

"It's not. It just seems that way because we're hung over."

"Well find it and shut it off!" Penny demanded.

"We'll just have to ride it out," he said. "Let it go to voicemail." The phone blared on.

"It's not a phone call, it's the damn alarm! Why do you have it set at all, Leonard?" He didn't hear her, having assumed a fetal position. Penny got on all fours and crawled around, managing first to find the sofa with her head.

"Shit!" she shouted. "Medic!" She pulled herself up and found the phone on the end table. It slipped from her hand and fell to the floor, still ringing. Instead of turning it off, she picked it up and held it against Leonard's ear.

"No, no no!" he yelled.

He tore the phone from her and shut it off. "Never again, Penny," he emphatically declared. "Tequila is off the table." He laid on his back and closed his eyes. Penny did the same. They stayed like that for thirty seconds until...

"Aaah!" Penny shouted as the phone resumed ringing. "Do you have the world's shortest snooze setting?"

"I didn't put it on snooze. It must be a phone call." He forced his eyes open. "It's Sheldon's mom. I'd better take this." Penny managed to stand up just long enough to plop down on the sofa. She could hear Leonard's side of the conversation with Mary Cooper.

"I'm sorry to hear that. What? Pon Farr? Hoo, boy. Yes, I know what it is. No, really, there's nothing to worry about. I'll take care of it. Thanks for letting me know. Goodbye."

"Don't tell me," Penny said, "he's coming home early."

"Yep. He had the flu, but Sheldon being Sheldon, he thinks it's Pon Farr."

"Pon Farr?" she sighed. "OK, is that Star Wars or Star Trek?"

"Trek. It means that Sheldon is undergoing the Vulcan mating ritual. He has a choice. Mate, or fight someone to the death."

Penny shook her head in disbelief. "So...who's he going to fight to the death?"

"I don't know, but we've got to deal with this. You hit the shower first. I'll make coffee and join you in a bit. Then I'll fight you for the last of the Advil."

"Good luck with _that_," Penny said.

They were still getting dressed when the answer hit them at the same time.

"Howard!'

* * *

The first class passengers on Delta flight 229 from Galveston to Los Angeles were worried. One of them was sweating profusely and seemed to be talking to himself.

"Excuse me, sir," the flight attendant said. "You don't look very well. Are you feeling OK? Maybe I can get you some aspirin."

"Aspirin won't help," Sheldon said. "I'm going through Pon Farr."

"Pon Farr? OK, Mr. Spock. You have a nice flight." He gave Sheldon the Vulcan salute and moved on.

* * *

Leonard and Penny rushed into the living room. Howard, Bernadette and Raj were there, enjoying breakfast.

"We brought you breakfast from the Loaves and Knishes deli," Howard said. He held up his plate.

"Keep that vile thing away from me!" said Bernadette. "How anyone can eat a pastrami and cream cheese omelet is beyond me."

"Don't worry," said Raj, "we brought you both pancakes." Penny grabbed her plate and sat down to eat.

"We've got a problem," said Leonard.

"Would it have anything to do with the empty bottle of tequila I found?" Howard asked.

"No, it's Sheldon. He's on his way back from Texas. He thinks he's experiencing Pon Farr."

Howard and Raj laughed. "He's just reacting to the news, Leonard," Raj said.

"What news?"

"You didn't hear?" Howard said. "Leonard Nimoy died last night."

"What?" Leonard's mind flashed back to his dream. "_How could I have known_?" he wondered. "I'm sorry to hear that, but think about it. He's going to act on it."

"Act on it how?" asked Bernadette.

"Oh yeah," Penny said with a mouthful of pancakes, "he's going to fight Howard to the death."

"What? Howie, we can't let that happen."

"Relax, Bernie," Howard said. He took a deep breath. "I can take Sheldon."

"Give us all a break," Raj said. "Remember what happened when you tried to wrestle me? It was like a nerd version of a Mexican standoff."

Nimoy's advice was still ringing in Leonard's ears. "No one is going to fight!" he said. "We've got to call Sheldon and convince him not to do this."

"I don't think it's me, anyway," said Howard.

"Who else?" Bernadette asked.

"Think about it. He and I are friends. If there's anyone that's truly his enemy, it's Kripke."

"He's got a point," said Raj.

"Yeah," Leonard said. "OK, I'll call Kripke."

"Oh, that's _hiwawious_," Kripe said when Leonard explained the situation.

"Look, Barry, just go to the movies or something. Stay someplace where Sheldon can't find you and I'll call you back when it's safe."

"Yeah, fine. I'll go to my fwiend Womeo's house. He got a pwe-rewease copy of the new Hobbit movie on Bwu-Way."

Leonard grimaced while he let that sink in. "OK, time to call Sheldon. Wait a minute, where's Amy?"

"She's at a conference in Santa Barbara," Bernadette said. "She'll be back tonight."

"OK, I'm going to call Sheldon and put it on speaker. We can all convince him that he's _not _undergoing Pon Farr." He dialed Sheldon's number. It rang four times and went to voicemail.

"Sheldon, call me the moment you get this," Leonard said. "We're all worried about you. You do NOT have Pon Farr, so don't do anything drastic, please. Just come home and we'll help you through this."

"Come home, Sheldon!" the gang shouted.

"And don't kill Kripke!" Raj added.

"I guess all we have to do now is wait," Leonard said.

* * *

"Sheldon, what are you doing here?" Amy asked. He was sitting on the ground in front of her apartment, perspiring. "Hey, you'd better come inside. I think you need to lay down." She helped him to his feet and opened the door.

"Pon Farr," he said.

"I don't understand. What's Pon Farr?"

"It's a Vulcan condition, and I have it."

"Vulcan? You mean from Star Wars?"

"Star _Trek_, Amy. I have it, and there are only two choices."

"What are they?"

"Well, one of them is a battle to the death. But...that was never really an option."

"I'm glad to hear that. What's the other option?"

He was breathing rapidly and he felt dizzy. "Turn around, Amy," he said, softly. She did. He whispered in her ear, "coitus."

"Oh!" she said. Then, without turning around, she took Sheldon's hand and led him into the bedroom.

_The End_


End file.
